The conclusion from ward round that I actually ended up missing and arriving afterwards was that Chris section would be receded and he had agreed to remain in hospital informally. I knew this was the most likely option but nothing makes it any easier hearing it when you have to beg the question what they have actually been doing apart from locking him up for weeks on end. No therapy has been arranged, no plan was made, we have just been ‘waiting’ and waiting no doubt for Chris to improve, like we all know he does after awhile but for how long?
I was made aware when I did get to the ward that Chris named nurse wanted to talk to me. I made my way to the nurses office where she told me what had just happened and that they were in agreement that he didn’t need to be on his section anymore and they have decided to take him off it. I couldn’t help it but before I had chance to think about what I was saying I came out with ‘Want to take bets on how long it will be before he is home?’ She said she hoped it wouldn’t happen and she wants to remain positive about it, yes it’s ok for her and a lot of other people who haven’t lived in this cycle for years, where they lock him up for a bit and let him go without there being any change to keeping him well long term.
My heart sank, would he be ok from now onwards? I see the point they make that this might be the time he leaves and never comes back. Yeah it ‘might’ but that is pretty hard for me to see and while I hope for that more than ever, especially for the sake of the girls nothing will convince me not to be cynical anymore. I pointed out to her that if I didn’t laugh I would just cry, I have lost count of how many times I have been sat in that office, how many times I have heard the same things said to me and I know the moment Chris doesn’t like what he hears or is told to do he will be like ‘discharge me’ and then he will land on the doorstep again. What happens now no one knows.
He came home for most of the afternoon and once the girls were in bed I found myself having to convince him to return to the hospital. So his word lasted long then. After some time of convincing him and a lot of patience on my part he agreed that he would go back to the hospital and would be home again first thing in the morning. So we could now be looking at him using hospital as just a place to sleep basically… and so we are back to how it was before. I really hope he continues to do ok, it would be unrealistic and damaging to my own emotions to just assume that this is it, he will be fine now and it’s like he is cured. That would be more believable if he was having therapy and had a long term plan of care, which seems far from the case and with an eighteen month psychological therapy waiting list. Could they actually drag this out any longer?
Anyway only time will tell, there is a lot of things that could still make the road very bumpy for him, here is hoping the next few months go without too much of a hitch.