I think the best way to describe how I feel at the moment is numb. I went into the New Year wanting a fresh start, moving near my parents and building the girls a better life and continuing my studies. While I never expect anything in life to be easy I sometimes don’t appreciate how super hard absolutely everything in my life seems to be. It couldn’t possibly go simple for me could it? I mean, what is simple?
Firstly my parents ask me if I know what I am doing, if I have thought about it, they shot me down for ending my relationship with Chris in the first place putting it on me that ‘we thought better of you than that.’ They have since made it quite clear that anything I wanted to do or any happiness I had found, especially over New Year that they didn’t agree with and were going to make life even harder for me. At least before when times were hard, I could ring them up, now what do I do?
I feel like I have lost the person I loved so much, that I will never get back, that I desperately searched for, for so long until I accepted the grief that he, as I knew him, was gone. Now too I have lost my parents, they have ignored my phone calls, have ignored my texts and emails and kind of left me to it. It is a lonely place for me at the moment, those I relied on have vanished for whatever reasons and yeah I just see myself stood alone with my four girls. I want a fresh start but where? Who with? Do I go it completely alone and have faith in myself that I will be ok because I will make sure of it? I don’t know, I really don’t know.
It hurts, I am not going to lie, I just wanted to try and make things better for everyone and again I seem to be the one who comes off worst. I sure hope that one day things change and it is me that gets some happiness. New Year gave me hope that I was allowed to be and feel happy, it is just a shame it didn’t last as long as I would have hoped. It just went to show it can happen and I am sure it will again, I just have to battle the hard times, again! I wish I didn’t feel so lost and had a plan of what I wanted and what to do to make it all happen. I need to believe in myself and stop doubting, I just wish I didn’t feel so alone with it all.