acarerseyes

Through the eyes of a carer for someone with a mental illness

Numb. Hurt. lost.

10 Comments

I think the best way to describe how I feel at the moment is numb. I went into the New Year wanting a fresh start, moving near my parents and building the girls a better life and continuing my studies.  While I never expect anything in life to be easy I sometimes don’t appreciate how super hard absolutely everything in my life seems to be. It couldn’t possibly go simple for me could it? I mean, what is simple?

Firstly my parents ask me if I know what I am doing, if I have thought about it, they shot me down for ending my relationship with Chris in the first place putting it on me that ‘we thought better of you than that.’ They have since made it quite clear that anything I wanted to do or any happiness I had found, especially over New Year that they didn’t agree with and were going to make life even harder for me. At least before when times were hard, I could ring them up, now what do I do?

I feel like I have lost the person I loved so much, that I will never get back, that I desperately searched for, for so long until I accepted the grief that he, as I knew him, was gone. Now too I have lost my parents, they have ignored my phone calls, have ignored my texts and emails and kind of left me to it. It is a lonely place for me at the moment, those I relied on have vanished for whatever reasons and yeah I just see myself stood alone with my four girls. I want a fresh start but where? Who with? Do I go it completely alone and have faith in myself that I will be ok because I will make sure of it? I don’t know, I really don’t know.

It hurts, I am not going to lie, I just wanted to try and make things better for everyone and again I seem to be the one who comes off worst. I sure hope that one day things change and it is me that gets some happiness. New Year gave me hope that I was allowed to be and feel happy, it is just a shame it didn’t last as long as I would have hoped. It just went to show it can happen and I am sure it will again, I just have to battle the hard times, again! I wish I didn’t feel so lost and had a plan of what I wanted and what to do to make it all happen. I need to believe in myself and stop doubting, I just wish I didn’t feel so alone with it all.

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Author: acarerseyes

I am a mum to four gorgeous girls, and a carer to my former partner of eight years, Chris who has a mental illness, BPD. I blog my experiences.. life is tough! We live in Greater Manchester, UK.

10 thoughts on “Numb. Hurt. lost.

  1. Hi, it sounds like you are seeking help/confirmation from outside rather than building a strong family unit with your girls. The most important concern should be you and your girls and not what ‘outsiders’, be they parents or not, need. If you are self confident then you will be able to deal with the outside world much better. Perhaps I’ve made it sound easy, it’s not, and will take time. Don’t expect people to behave how you think they should, down that ally lies constant disappointment. Do what you think is right for your immediate family, your friends, real friends, will understand and support you along the journey.

  2. Sarah, you are young and able to do what you want with your life, it’s a shame your
    Parents won’t support you in your decisions and I know how much you need them
    Right now. You will do what you have to for your family. Take care.

  3. Seems a bit strange to me, that after all you have been through, which your parents must surely know, that they can’t support the decision you have made to try and protect yourself, move on with your life and help you and your girls the best you know how. Perhaps they just need time to adjust and accept that you have decided that is best, for you and your family, and they will come round. Family can be very hard, sometimes they just don’t get it. You are so strong though, and have handled so much, and I think you will be ok. Life has definitely not been easy for you, I am sorry!

    • I think it is easy for them to ‘not understand’ they don’t physically see everything I go through and get used to hearing of my struggles that they can’t see the extent of what I have really been through. Those closer to me who see me juggle Chris and still manage three school runs a day, to maintain a house and manage to visit him as much as I used to can see of my struggle. Sadly this recently has really damaged my relationship with them.

  4. I was going to say something about the lack of support from your family, but after reading the comment from “kompani101”, I have to agree with it. Look to yourself, as you have done for some months now. It was terribly difficult, I know, because a support network really eases the burden; but you have come through hell with flying colours, and I believe you can do it again.

    Your readers admire you greatly, and offer you such support as we can over the internet.

  5. I can’t imagine how hurt you are and how let down you feel. I can imagine it’s very easy for people on the outside to view you as “abandoning” Chris, but speaking as someone who is married to someone with BPD I can completely understand what you’re going through. A relationship has to go both ways, you can’t carry on when all you’re doing is giving and you’re not getting anything back, whether it’s their fault or not. From the sounds of it your life has revolved around taking care of others for so long, you deserve to be happy in your own right. I hope in time your parents will see that it’s not as black and white as they think it is, but in the mean time carry on doing what you need to do and I hope you find the happiness you’re looking for x

  6. Thank you Laura for your understanding.. it is so nice to hear of someone who understands at a personal level 🙂 x

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