The past few months have been so difficult for me, spending more time as a single mum of four affectively and running back and forth to the hospital, feeling like no one was listening to me, getting frustrated with mental health services and how slow things can be. Also having my dearly loved Grandad pass away, feeling unwell on and off, and struggling with my own emotions and tiredness. This took its toll hugely on me, to the point where I ended up in some pretty dark places myself mentally.
Chris has spent most of the last year in hospital and looking back over that time I have been grieving, which is pretty hard for me to explain and you might not understand unless you have found yourself in my situation. I was grieving for Chris, the person I fell in love with, the man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and the person that no longer exists. Chris is still here yes, but he isn’t the person I fell in love with, it doesn’t mean I don’t still love him, I do, he is my best friend and the father of my girls, of course I will always love him but I am not in love with him. For the last year the last little bits of the person I love were visible until they sadly all slipped away.
I always maintained that I would never leave Chris unless the time came where I just didn’t get anything in return, because that is when there would cease to be a relationship anymore. The hardest thing for me to then realise was it wasn’t at all selfish to have needs and needs that actually needed to be met. I am not talking much either, simple things like wanted to be loved and cared for, hugged and have someone who asks how I am. In the end I gave everything to the point it was killing me and he was too consumed by his illness to look after himself let alone make sure I was ok. For the sake of my children having their mother in their lives I had to take the huge decision I talked about on my blog post ‘The hardest thing I have done’
It is hard to come to terms with seeing the person you fell in love with but knowing that mentally that person isn’t there anymore and that it isn’t possible to get them back because believe me I have tried. I am determined to keep my best friend though if at all possible as I value so much the last eight years we have spent together. It is a different kind of grief from that of dealing with my Grandad’s death but it still very much hurts in similar ways. I could hope, dream and pray for the Chris I fell in love with back, but just like my Grandad, he has gone now and accepting that is very difficult.