As I sit here, the girls at school and Cora fast asleep, I find myself mulling everything over. It is far from helpful. Recently I have not blogged as much, not because there isn’t anything to say but because I feel like all I can do at the moment is moan. I am even getting a little bit fed up of hearing it in my own head! The thing is, when I set out blogging, telling our story, I wanted it to be real but that comes with the sad fact, that at the moment the reality means there is a lot of sadness and upset and I do moan a lot because our situation is so truly difficult.
Chris has been given escorted leave with me and staff are giving the impression that his risk has lowered, normally I am happy, see it as a good sign so why not this time? Why can I not see it like he is getting better? Is it because the only thing I can see that has changed is him not having gone AWOL in awhile? Has anything else actually changed? Do staff even talk to Chris enough to know how he is thinking and feeling? Many questions with too few answers. All I know is in the whole time I was out with him last night I felt sick, it didn’t sit right with me but I feel I can’t just keep saying ‘no, sorry I don’t feel happy with it’ when staff seem to keep making me feel like he is lower risk.
At the moment I dread visiting the ward, not because I do not want to see Chris but because things still feel awkward with the Nurse that upset me a few weeks ago, secondly everyone seems to talk about Chris like he is ok (so where am I looking) and I come away confused and possibly more upset. If he is as ok as some people would have me think then why are we still going down the road of sending Chris to a unit/rehab/secure hospital? I feel like on the one hand he is too ill to come home and have therapy but on the other he’s ‘doing so much better’ ‘his risk is lower’ ‘he doesn’t need as much support’ so what, how is Chris? Who spoke to him last and what did he say? Has anyone spoken to him? Do you use his traffic light cards anymore (that is a whole different blog post)?
It would seem at the moment communication is pretty dire between everyone, I feel almost like that is my fault because I stepped back to protect myself… mistake? Maybe so.