Closing down… mainly to protect myself, not saying anything means not having to deal with it for awhile right? Obviously I would never put Chris at risk through my selfishness but unless by me not saying anything would put him at risk I am going to protect myself for awhile. Something was said last night when I was visiting Chris that really upset me, I went home in tears and I didn’t get a lot of sleep. It made me question everything and instead I had wished I had come home worried about how he was feeling rather than seeking reassurance from staff before I left.
Chris had been having a tough evening but when he started punching walls and threatening to trash his room I convinced him to speak with staff, as always he dragged me along with him, which is fine if it means he will open up more. The member of staff he went to get was one who was on he felt he could talk to, he explained how he was feeling, I added in about him having punched the wall. Nurse asked me when I would be going home so I said I was going to leave before and had put my coat I was wearing on but at the moment I wasn’t really happy on just saying, ‘see you.’ He said he would speak to the doctor and see if he could have PRN and would be down shortly to speak to him.
I waited with Chris awhile while he paced his room, the other nurse came in and gave him PRN, said the first nurse would be down shortly to speak to him. After watching him punching the wall a few more times and trying to calm him down I went to see what was happening before I went home. Walked to the office and asked the nurse who brought down his medication, she said she didn’t know and looked at the other nurse. I just said I was wondering before I went home, basically looking for reassurance and subsequently regretted it when it was met with: ‘You may as well just go home, no amount of pills will make Chris feel any better, you know that, he will feel like this for the foreseeable, I will go and see him soon, I can’t give him anything to stop him feeling like this..’ That is when I switched off, I didn’t want to hear anymore, how was this helpful? I just nodded and walked out, trying my best not to cry as I walked to say goodbye to Chris.
I said my goodbyes to Chris and let him know someone would see him shortly and left, walking back along the corridor past the nurse’s office and asked to be let out, but apparently there was someone on the door. As I turned to walk towards the exit, I heard the nursing assistant ask if I was going home now but I carried on walking before the tears showed through. As I got to the exit a group of female patients said bye to me and one grabbed my arm as if to say ‘it would be ok’ they could see the emotion in my eyes. I stood waiting for the door to be opened and got out of there as quickly as I could without running. As soon as I got to the stairs and there was no one around I burst into tears, I couldn’t hold it in anymore. Why did I bother asking? Why didn’t I just go home and not say a thing? It would have been easier to deal with worry than this awful deep feeling of sadness. I changed the route I took so I didn’t have to walk through the hospital sobbing. I sat myself down on a cold, damp wall and cried and cried, this was the straw that had broken the camel’s back everything I had been holding in for days escaped as I tried to hold it together so I could get myself home.
The most shocking thing about this for me was the nurse that said it, before that I rated this person highly, they had always been helpful and reassuring, what happened last night just seemed so out of the blue, whether it was a bad day for them or what I don’t know but I see them differently now, and that is quite sad.