I am talking, talking about how I feel, something that is so emotional for me to keep bringing up time and time again. Yet no one is listening, yes they can hear me but they are not listening to what I am saying. It is so hard to keep going over something so gut wrenchingly difficult, for me to just feel like it goes into one ear and out of the other. So I stopped talking, I stopped trying to get people to listen to me, I just nodded my head and gave no feedback of how I feel things are… after all who am I again?
At the moment I am stuck in the middle between Chris; who is telling me he is suicidal, making plans, agitated, struggling, wanting to die and all matter of other things and the ward staff; who are telling me that Chris ‘appears’ ok and they haven’t seen any cause for concern and so forth. To say my head is completely mashed is an understatement. I don’t know how I feel anymore, all I know is that what I am feeling hurts, I cannot explain it, and no one seems to understand. I just have to listen to ‘I am sorry you feel this way’ while thinking, yes, thanks, funnily enough, so am I!
Talking to staff about how I feel or my concerns at the moment or reporting back worrying things that Chris tells me is pointless. I told them that the other day, I also told them it is easier for me not to tell them anything and to have lost nothing at all compared to feeling like they don’t listen or note my concerns anyway. It is negatively impacting my visits with Chris though, I am almost cross with him because he worries me with how he feels but then does not feel he can trust them enough to tell them. So I have stopped talking now. Would you feel happy walking onto a ward where staff don’t seem to listen, are always busy and don’t appear to have a clue how Chris actually is half the time? Would you honestly want to go there?
Right now I dread going to see him, I dread having to feel all these emotions all over again. I have tried to close off from them to protect myself, I have tried not to worry about what Chris is telling me but it doesn’t change the huge mess that continues to unravel in front of me. It is times like this where I would give anything (selfishly) for a day to not care, for a bit of peace in my head and no worries. Do you think I will ever believe that Chris is ok at the moment? Evidence suggests not after four overdoses all requiring stays for treatment on a general ward, all while in their care. Do they have any idea how hard it is for me to sit there, staring into the face of the person you love so much, looking so ill. Once is enough but after as many times I have done it even just recently it is devastating.