One step closer…
My head is saying one thing and my heart another, all I can think of is what was said in yesterdays ward round and the assessment arranged with one of the Private sector units for Friday. The only way I can explain at the moment how I feel is lost and even then there aren’t really words to explain the pain I feel inside. I don’t know what I was hoping for yesterday, maybe that they would have a change of plan? Other ideas? Who knows, but what I had confirmed was that we were really going down the road of sending Chris to somewhere which would hopefully give him therapy, keep him safe and eventually allow him to come home and live a more for filling life.
Sounds good doesn’t it? The flip side is, these places are far away, with four young children and the inability to drive I won’t get to see him very often. There is no saying this will help Chris and he could give it a go and come home the same, or worse. I know we won’t know until we have tried, but that doesn’t make this feel any easier. He would be going for a year to two years, which to us adults is long enough, but to children that is huge, if we take worst case scenario of 2 years, Cora would be three and a half by the time he came home.
The girls at the moment have no idea, I am not telling them anything until I know the unit he is going to, that the funding has gone through and then have some plan on how on earth I am going to break this to them. Every time I think about it my heart breaks, they are my babies, I want to do everything in my power to protect them, make them happy and most important of all make sure they know they are loved, so much. I know that him going to a unit is better than me having to tell them Daddy has died because he committed suicide but my word I cannot explain to you how much it hurts that it has come to this.
I want to cry, scream and shout, I want to wrap them all up and take us all far away, and I want to make this go away, find a cure and just make everything better. I want to hide, or just sleep for a long time hidden away anywhere to just not have to wake up tomorrow and think of this again. I know the reality is it won’t go away, I have to face this now because out of the three options (1. Chris commits suicide 2. We continue the cycle of hospital admissions until he commit suicide 3. The unit) which would you choose? It isn’t really a choice anymore is it?
It is so easy for health professionals involved to sit there thinking of xyz, I know of only one person who has realised the massive impact this is set to have on me and spoken to me about it. No one thinks that this will leave me as a single mum of four, that my support will have to change because I won’t be considered as caring for someone anymore, that they won’t have fixed the ‘problem’ they will have just given me different ones. A nurse said to me ‘but Sarah you won’t have to lie there at night worrying about him anymore’ I broke down in tears, and thought, No I will be lying there at night, lonely, wondering if/when he will be cuddled up beside me again.
Friday looks set to be a tough day, the next month looks set to be no better, but I just keep reminding myself to ride the storm, it will pass and bring with it a rainbow out the other side. Until then it is ok to feel like this, don’t put pressure on myself and it will be ok.. why? Because I always make sure it is.