It is hard enough keeping my head together at the moment when all I seem to want to do is quietly fall apart. I try and take comfort in what those around are telling me regarding Chris but today it has become evident that not everyone shares the same opinion, before I was almost set on everyone thinking that the whole moving him to a unit thing was what would be for the best but now his social worker is back she takes a slightly different opinion on it. This makes me feel like I am constantly being pulled one way or the other about what is best and what will be happening and it is exhausting, trying to get my head around him going, him staying, him coming home and all other possibilities. It is fair to say at the moment no one really knows.
I know this will take time and nothing happens overnight, but then there is some questioning that Chris could change in the next month which changes their options, the way I see it, if they think that then how can we make such a huge choice for a year to two years of his life based upon three weeks of severe distress and high risk? Yes ok I understand he has been in this cycle for awhile etc, etc but I still think that with everything lately there is an element of understandable distress with recent events.
My head is spinning with options, my heart saying something else and I just want to crumble into a ball of tears and forget about the world for awhile. I know it isn’t helpful but I am hurting with all this too, and hurting a lot, a lot more than I tend to let on. It doesn’t help anyone if I cry, it definitely doesn’t help Chris, and so I try getting from one day to the next without showing my true emotions. I don’t know the answers, I don’t know what lies ahead anymore, but I do know it will be difficult, I know that it is only going to be about making it hurt a little less rather than not at all. Tears fall down my face, a path they have travelled so many times before and all I can hope is that one day things will be ok and this is all but a distant memory.