Lying awake staring at the ceiling with only the light from my phone, thoughts all over the place from the day, week, month, year I seem to be having. My phone makes the usual bleep that comes when it receives a message, I squint at it, trying to make my eyes focus on the words, half asleep I read a message from Chris about him being scared, really scared. He has been seeing a person now for a few weeks but now he is informing me that not only is this person calling his name, he is also hearing things now too and understandably he seems terrified. I lie there trying to reassure him, reminding him what his nurse told him to do and trying to convince him to go and seek out a staff member for some help. It didn’t matter how many times I suggested going and finding a member of staff to tell he didn’t feel able to, I felt helpless, I really wanted to cuddle him and tell him it would be ok but I couldn’t, I was too far away, I could only be at the end of the phone.
Eventually after awhile of no replies, I figured he had gone to sleep, I felt slightly happier trying to relax and get myself to sleep now, it was difficult because all I could think about was what he had told me, and why was this happening now, why is there no let up, why can’t I take away his pain? I lay there taking in everything that had happened, wondering when this will end; preparing for this to get a whole lot worse, because of things going on for us that I cannot discuss with anyone at the moment. I don’t think I have ever been through so much with him I have at the moment and I really hope I never have to again.
I placed my phone back down next to the bed, I turned over wrapping myself tightly into my covers and reminded myself that I could do this, the girls would be up in a few hours, we would get out and off to school and we would make it through another day, I won’t give up.. too stubborn!