I feel lost, really lost, probably the most lost I have felt in my entire life because I am still struggling with the thought that I could possibly loose Chris for one to two years to a unit that would provide more specialist help to him. It comes with so many positives and negatives but when it comes down to it, I never went into the whole parenting thing thinking I would one day be classed as a single mum of four. That is exactly what I would be classed as if he was to go miles away, it really would be life changing for the girls and I, and while one day it could be all worth it, in the short term it seems so overwhelmingly awful!
I was speaking to my GP on the telephone last night, I was updating her on the situation and explaining how lost I felt and she said something that rang true with me, that I was probably feeling grief at the moment. As much as I try and convince myself of all the positive reasons I still at the most inconvenient times remember that he will miss the girls Christmas plays, birthdays, that I will be the one who mows the lawn and has to learn how to use the strimmer, I won’t have anyone to hug when I am cold in bed and to be honest it will probably on the most part be really lonely.
I was told a couple of years ago that this was what could happen if we didn’t prevent it, I was always so determined to stop it, do anything it took to help steer us away from this outlook and now I am sat here trying to work out what happened and do I have one last ditch attempt to try and prevent it or is this the only option now because while I was shouting and screaming everyone was ignoring the crucial bit of help Chris needed, which was always therapy.
It is exhausting, even worse that I don’t have the answers, everything is so uncertain, there are a number of outcomes at the moment, so many things could change, we don’t even know if they will even fund anywhere else but then what would they do. My mind is constantly spinning and I just feel so let down, let down by the whole damn mental health system that I have been up against now for so long. I know that if this does happen, if our family gets torn apart, I will not stop telling our story and making it heard to prevent this happening to anyone else. The state of psychological therapy in this country is a disgrace and who knows what impact this will have on the girl’s mental health and my own, the ‘system’ seems set on creating more problems than the ones it’s meant to be fixing.