There are times when life is a struggle and I am not ashamed to admit I have thoughts of walking and walking, of finding a way out etc. Everyone asks me all the time how I do it, others tell me they don’t know how I do it. It is hard, very hard and sometimes things look so dark and scary but I have to keep going, hoping for settled waters again. It isn’t always easy to keep that in focus either and I have good friends that remind me when I have got stuck in a dip.
This is why I keep going..
I have four amazing children that I am extremely grateful for and very blessed to have. My eldest, who is six came into my life when I was just seventeen, she changed my life completely from the moment I found out I was expecting her, I don’t for one second regret having her so young. She was the best thing to ever happen to me and really changed who I was from a shy young girl to a confident young woman. I won’t lie to you I was a self harmer until she came into my life and I vowed I wouldn’t hurt myself because I was her mummy, and true to my word, apart from the odd slip up I don’t use that as a means of coping anymore. She is an amazing big sister, she lights up my life and that of her little sisters, and she is an amazing role model to them, very protective. She is funny and clever and is every reason I get up in the morning.
Then there is my gorgeous four year old, she is cheeky, funny and her giggle is infectious. She is quieter than my eldest, but like her sisters is very clever for her age. She loves nothing more than a good cuddle and playing with her sisters, she is very caring and is always making sure her sisters are ok. She is as happy playing on her own as she is playing with others. I have a thousand reasons to smile when she is around and once again she is the reason I get up in the morning, the reason I keep going.
My three year old, cheeky, adventurous, I went through a lot with her, slight scare during pregnancy and then since she was born she has had a heart murmur which is still being investigated. She loves nothing more than giving me one of her special cuddles, there is nothing better than having a little person’s arms wrapped around your neck while they squeeze you as hard as they can. She is clever and funny, sociable and looks up to her two big sisters. She is struggling slightly with understanding where Daddy is and why but together with lots of cuddles, she will get there. A reason I get up every day.
Finally my youngest, my baby, now fourteen months, giggly, cute, with her own little personality and toothy grin. She has helped me more than she will ever know the short time she has been here, when I was pregnant I never felt lonely, when she was born she relied on me for food, we, like all the girls share an amazing bond. I am lucky to have such a gorgeous little girl, she looks up to her big sisters and they spoil her rotten, she is such a lucky girl. Another reason I get up every single day.
You see when things are tough and it is hard, they give me a reason to live and smile, I have an incredible bond with all of them, there is nothing better to waking up to a bed full of little people, smiling at you. I am forever grateful to be blessed with them; I strive every day to make sure they are happy, healthy and most important of all, that they feel loved. I wouldn’t for any hour, minute or second of the day wish they were any different. I only hope I make them proud to have me as their mum.
Finally the only reason they are all here is thanks to their Daddy, Chris. While I would make him better in a heartbeat and take away his pain, I try not to spend too much time wishing things were different and making the most of what we have. He helps me more than he will ever know, and I am lucky to have found him. We have been through a lot together as a family, but one thing we have always had is each other, although I often feel lonely and I often feel that no one cares, I only have to look a little closer to see my beautiful family because they are always there.