I have to be brave, when all I want to do is fall to pieces, it doesn’t help that most of the people I speak to don’t have a clue how it feels to be in my position. That became evident with the comments such as ‘well think of it as a break’ when he went into hospital and then all the ‘don’t go and see him every day, you need to think of yourself’. Then most of the health professionals talk like they are trying to understand but really they don’t, and unless they have been in this situation they never really will.
I rarely open up to anyone, because in all honesty it is just easier to be ok. In all honesty, it hurts, of course it does, every time my girls ask to ‘save Daddy some lunch’ or ‘I love and miss my Daddy lots’ do you know how hard I struggle to keep my heart from breaking, my tears from falling? I cannot begin to explain how difficult it is, and how I often feel a loss for what to do. Everyone presumes the moment Chris goes into hospital that we will be fine because our ‘burden’ has been removed, maybe physically but he doesn’t just disappear from our lives, minds or all of a sudden everything is fine. He leaves a hole in our home, I hate anyone calling him a ‘burden’ I don’t doubt for one moment if I was ill he would do the same.
The worst thing about listening to those around me saying all these things they think are helpful is that it pushes me away, I close into myself even more, because I don’t want to listen to the reply, because that in itself hurts me and I don’t want to hurt anymore than I already do. I just want people to listen, there isn’t anything they can say to make it ok, I know that, if there was we would have done that already.