I don’t often admit to anyone, let alone myself, but lately I have been finding things a lot harder than usual. I think a combination of moving house, Chris coming home from hospital and the summer holidays have been pushing me more and more to over full capacity and I have really struggled. I know no one expects me to cope all the time and maintain the strong person and I know I haven’t failed anyone if every now and again I struggle but I just don’t like it. I have high expectations of myself, so if they slip it isn’t in my own opinion good enough, that said I have rebooked my counselling appointments for when the girls have gone back to school so I can get some headspace, which will really do me good.
When speaking with my doctor last week, through my tears, telling her about how things have been lately, she bought up the anti depressants conversation again. She knows I am a right one and won’t take them while breastfeeding even if they convince me they are safe and Cora won’t be affected. She suggested perhaps I stop breastfeeding, that way I could start them, except I don’t want to stop feeding Cora, I love the bond we share, she only feeds first thing on waking and last thing before she goes to bed, those moments I cherish, the moments of peace staring into her eyes and her into mine, knowing that she benefits not only from comfort but from the goodness the milk gives her and in turn the benefits she gives me for my health too. It would depress me more to feel I had to give up that to take medication that isn’t going to change Chris illness, isn’t going to give me physical support and when I don’t really feel that is the avenue I want to go down.
I know things will in time improve again, life will be a little less hectic in September, when everyone has settled into our new home and Chris new medication has settled down but for now it is really tough. I am seeing my GP again next week, I fully intend on explaining again my thoughts around breastfeeding, anti depressants and how right now doing that could actually negatively impact me more than it will help. At our last appointment she offered to print me out information on anti depressants, but realised I might not need it or want it, she was right, there isn’t much I don’t know about most of the anti depressants she would be able to offer me.
Anyway I hope that by writing how I really feel at the moment and how difficult some days feel, it would help other carers out there to feel less alone. If you want a chat, find me on twitter
@acarerseyes message me below, you don’t have to feel alone, us carers will stand together.