Everyone always asks ‘Do you feel relieved?’ ‘Are you pleased/happy?’ Or words to that affect. The answer, while some may think it is easy, really isn’t so much. I am going to try and explain from my point of view exactly how I feel when I am asked those questions.
The past week has been one of the toughest times of my life, and on Tuesday, after an urgent message to Chris Social Worker because of how concerned I was about him, he was re admitted to hospital. It was quite clear he wasn’t able to keep himself safe, his ‘protective factors’ were not working, he said he felt detached from himself, he said he wished he was dead and couldn’t cope with how he was feeling. Again we had tried all the alternatives and were running out of options for keeping him safe at home, this was again the last resort.
On Thursday night Chris told me he had asked for discharge, he was waiting to see a doctor and because I would need to unlock the front door and somehow get him home if he were to be discharged I had to wait up to see what was going on. At around half past one in the morning, while desperately trying to keep my eyes open, he told me he had been detained under a section 5(2).
The following day a Mental Health Act assessment was arranged, I was invited along as his ‘Nearest Relative’ there was also present; the Approved Mental Health Professional, the Consultant Psychiatrist of the ward, a section 12 doctor, two medical students (I will go into this on a different blog) and obviously Chris himself. Once everyone had finished discussing all the relevant bits of information it was decided that Chris would be detained under Section 3 of the Mental Health Act. At this point my stomach sank, as although I knew he needed help, this was what I considered a necessary but not very nice process to have to go down. I felt a huge mixture of emotions, slight relief that he would be kept safe and have access to treatment, sadness that it had come to this, anger towards those that played a part in causing the hurt and flashbacks that upset him every day and also the lack of prevention from it getting this far, a lump came into my throat as I fought to hide my sadness from the room because I love him, and although it is for his own good a part of me just wanted to wrap him up in my arms and take him home and ‘make everything better’ completely unrealistic I know but I also know how much I miss him too.
I don’t feel ‘happy’ or ‘pleased’ I just feel at the moment it is necessary because of how unwell he is and I hope now he is given the ability to get to a point where life is a little more manageable, and with me supporting him all the way on his journey and our children never far away I hope this is the start to Chris being able to live again rather than just struggling to exist. He is a really amazing person, just like anyone who has been through all he has and all he will have to overcome but even when hope is hard to find it is always worth trying to hold onto.