For me 2012 wasn’t a great year, like most years there are some highlights, Cora born safely into the world, my gorgeous family, four healthy and happy children and a partner who I love to bits. It however has been extremely hard, nothing more so than lately. Watching the person you love self destruct in front of you to get so unwell and feeling totally helpless is something I always have and always will find very difficult.
I don’t like new year, I never have, I find the chimes of Big Ben at midnight, the fireworks display all very difficult, I rarely get through a new year without getting upset, last year I had gone to bed and I woke up to the countdown and fireworks at midnight, I looked to the side of me and Chris was there, I snuggled up, lay my head back down on my pillow, what more did I need? Three little people all fast asleep and Chris next to me.
This year was very different, earlier in the evening yesterday I had a phone call from Chris to say he had asked for overnight leave and staff wanted my opinion, so I asked what they thought and he said he didn’t know, so I requested he asked them to ring me when they had spoken with the doctor if they wanted my opinion. I get a phone call a little while later from a nurse, I told her I wasn’t sure and asked for her opinion, she said they didn’t think it was such a good idea but wanted my opinion as well, she said he had been actively having suicidal thoughts so I said yes I knew that, to a score of 10. She said that they wouldn’t be letting him on leave and would let him know, that was the end of the phone call. After about fifteen minutes I get a message from Chris telling me ‘I f**king hate you, I am never telling you anything again’ my heart sunk, I asked him why, he said ‘because you stopped me having leave, you told them I had been a number 10’ I had told them he was a 10 but she already knew he was feeling suicidal and at no point did I say yes or no because I didn’t know. Since when was this up to me? Since when is he in my care? Yes I appreciate them asking my opinion but their basis on granting leave or not should be on their shoulders and not put onto mine. Needless to say I was so upset, I had spent most of the afternoon organising taxis (with it being New Years Eve) and childcare for the girls, and now he wouldn’t even talk to me, let alone see me, all because a nurse had implied it was my opinion that made them say no to leave.
When he did finally contact me again, he still didn’t realise it wasn’t my fault, he was still taking it all out on me, I was exhausted, as selfish as it sounded I needed to see him as much as he had wanted to see me because I knew when the clock struck twelve I would be on my own. Taking myself up to bed at around ten o’clock, I snuggled down praying that I wouldn’t wake at midnight to all the fireworks, sadly just like the year before I did only this time I lay there and looked around, there was a gentle sound of Cora breathing but the bed next to me lay empty, tears rolled down my cheeks and I thought to myself ‘Happy New Year?’