You know when you go beyond angry and you get to the point where you end up upset that was me today. It didn’t help that at the said moment I was on my phone tweeting whilst feeding Cora and his CPN asked me if I was ok because I looked ‘cross’. Nothing to do with the flushed face that was enough to make a beat route jealous then. Anyway as most people know, when you are trying to hold things together and someone asks ‘are you ok?’ your brain normally takes this as a hint to make you cry and so I did, in the middle of Oldham Integrated Care Centre I ended up bursting into tears.
You are probably wondering why such a reaction, poor Chris certainly wasn’t expecting it, I am usually the strong one even when I feel far from it, I slap on the brave face but today I had let down my guard. His CPN looked at me like she didn’t know what to say and wanted to know what was wrong but how am I meant to talk through my tears in the middle of a waiting room so I just said I was fine. Complete lie but the easiest thing to do in such a situation. The truth was though we had walked out of a meeting with his psychiatrist, the crisis team (home treatment team) and his CPN, all we had gained from it was knowing that Chris was having his anti depressant doubled in dose and that the crisis team were discharging him because ‘your four weeks is up’ basically. I didn’t know who was seeing him next or when or anything and once again it felt like it was all up to me. Once again I heard the words uttered from the crisis team ‘meanwhile if he’s unwell take him to A&E,’ oh yes because at the moment I have that ability and you know what other problems that normally entails including degrading speeches and comments from ignorant staff and potential police involvement if he decides to leave and they are concerned. All whilst I have a tiny baby with me all the time, no family support and everything else. So excuse me if my brain feels overloaded, stressed and decides now is a good time to start the tears so much so I spent the rest of the day trying to look fine and not burst into tears again.
His CPN is coming on Friday afternoon, I am pleased about this but the following Friday she then actually leaves and then who knows, because we are back to the ‘stand ins’ for goodness knows how long before they find someone long term (I hope). The whole time we have no long term plan it doesn’t only feel worrying and unsettled for me, it does for Chris as well. Perhaps if they put themselves in my shoes today they might see why I ended up in tears, not something that happens often in front of them, I normally keep tears to myself. What they go through with Chris every now and again I am living twenty-four seven with no means of escape and every now and again they make it harder and it does get on top of me. I am not a superhero, just human.