At the moment I am feeling far from listened to and rather frustrated, Chris has continued to be very mixed and extremely unpredictable in mood. I have spoken to both his CPN and our community nurse from the doctor’s surgery and I just don’t feel like I am being listened too. They seem to be very unable to believe anything that isn’t in front of their eyes. Trouble is if Chris was in a very bad way he wouldn’t even attend the appointment, he walked out the doctors last week for a start, then he wouldn’t attend a&e a good couple of times. He doesn’t always remain the same, one moment he seems ok and the next he’s taking an overdose. Why they can’t understand this I don’t know!
So today we are talking things over with his regular GP a male (not to be confused with the female he saw last week) and he is trying to make out that everything seems ok and commented how he hadn’t needed to use the crisis team yet etc. Well that was going to happen last week but shock horror who did it fall to, to try and avoid that? You guessed it… me. The exact words of his CPN last Thursday were ‘I would like the three of us to try and get him to his psych appointment on Wednesday’ This to me translates into.. it’s ok Sarah we are going to leave you to manage things with Chris until Wednesday because don’t forget I can go to bed tonight with no worries and spend the weekends how I wish without a second thought about you all. Right now I can’t just run up to A&E with him at silly o’clock in the morning because I would have to take Cora with me as well, she is breastfed so can’t be left with anyone, it leaves me in a right predicament as to what to do. His last three overdoses he’s just refused to do anything and I have felt entirely powerless and unable to do much to help to be honest. At least if he had a number to phone when he was struggling it could well prevent him overdosing or getting as severely agitated as I can’t always help him.
I think they forget I am a human being, a mum to four children aged five and under and yes I will do everything I can to help Chris and keep him safe but I am no means invincible and I am not a professional.. I have been here before, I have felt this before and I was praying this wouldn’t happen again…. Roll on Wednesday!