As I sit here this evening, girls all tucked up fast asleep, the baby snuggled in front of me and Chris asleep on the sofa beside me, I find myself thinking and feeling exactly how I did a year ago, something I never wished to feel again. Chris hasn’t had a very good couple of months but the past couple of weeks I have been getting increasingly concerned, rapid shifts in mood, one moment fine and the next really distressed. I have mentioned it before to his CPN but yesterday was horrendous and I started to see a lot of similarities to how he was before spending a few weeks in hospital. He even refused to sit and wait after a while of sitting in the doctors, I could have cried. Why was this happening again and more importantly why am I feeling again like not a person in the world cares or will help.
For the first time ever I have found myself wishing he still had his social worker, she always knew when I was saying Chris really wasn’t well, that he was exactly that, she knew I had spent the previous year’s being ignored, she didn’t do that. However his CPN doesn’t really know either of us very well and Chris saw her while he was relatively ok today, if a little elated so of course that must mean he is fine even though I couldn’t predict him from one moment to the next. Let’s just say the rest of the day has been horrendous and evenings are the worst when oh yes there is no help, it is all out of hours and no ‘go to a and e’ isn’t good enough when I have four children one being five weeks old, very little support and he won’t go himself.
As I now sit here, in tears, thinking about how I used to feel and how I hope this doesn’t go again I can hear a gorgeous baby girl crying for a feed and a cuddle. I shall go and do that and I pray tomorrow someone will put a little more support in place.