The sound of someone being sick is never something I like to hear but this morning while I was sorting the girls out for school, playgroup etc, I heard the familiar noise of Chris being rather violently sick and it brought tears to my eyes. It floods back memories of times he has overdosed and his stomach has just had enough along with the anxiety and worry of things in his life. This morning I could have just cried for him, rubbing his back and telling him he was alright just didn’t seem enough, I poured him some milk to help line his stomach and made sure he was alright.
I don’t like seeing anyone cry, it always gets to me but the one person that affects me the most is seeing Chris cry. This morning however Chris was extremely down and very upset, no surprise after the past few days and I just felt helpless. I held him, rubbed his back, kissed and cuddled him tight but what did I really want to do? Take the pain away from him, stop him from feeling like he did, and stop him hurting. He was feeling suicidal and extremely low. He kept saying sorry to me, why, I don’t know because the last thing he needs to say to me is sorry, he hasn’t anything to be sorry for!
I had been thinking an awful lot of how when Chris really needs people around him they aren’t there, how he always seems to be let down and that pattern seems to be the one his life has followed that was until he met me. I have been the only person to consistently be there for him no matter what since the very day we met. We have been together around seven years now and like I have told him many a time I don’t plan on letting him down now, I only wish he always believed me but then that’s where the whole part of the BPD comes into play. Here hoping he is feeling a little better about everything soon but until then he’s always got me.