I haven’t blogged for awhile because I seem to be constantly under immense pressure from someone/something etc. I thought however I should update what has been going on lately. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I am pulling myself apart about feeling selfish and guilty but at the same time wondering why anyone has put me in the situation I currently find myself in.
It started almost a week ago when my father in law started telling my partner saying he was depressed, etc. He ended up staying a few nights and his GP put him on anti depressants etc and basically he had to find ways to manage and overcome his feelings. To cut a long story short I was due on Thursday 28th June and was getting increasingly worried I would go into labour with him here which is a problem for me, a very private person with things like that baring in mind I am having the baby at home, a planned homebirth. Yet I didn’t feel able to say no, neither did I feel if I went into labour at 3am I would be able to send him home alone to no one. Cue me pulling myself apart over it and getting rather stressed out.
Friday he went home and I was pleased to get back to a bit of normality and be able to relax that if I did go into labour it would no longer be a problem. That was until Saturday when Chris said he was worried about him again and he was going to take him to A&E because he was agitated, now baring in mind I live and care for Chris I have seen all kinds of agitation in all severities and didn’t think it warranted quite a reaction, also because its rare they actually do anything when you do go… not like I haven’t been there, done that, got the t shirt 1000 times over. So off his dad goes to a&e, hours later, I get told he is going to be staying at ours, the crisis team would visit Sunday (today) and that was that.
Now this is where I am so cross, upset, guilty, selfish, I don’t know. I am still pulling myself into bits over it. The cause a crisis team is exactly that to me, I am worried this will all trigger Chris, now also bear in mind I keep all this pretty far away from our girls when its Chris involved, now its Grandad too, they need protecting from this. I am 3days overdue not that it feels like anyone actually remembers this and for once I just wanted the birth etc to be ok because the last two years of life sure as hell haven’t gone great. Who cares for the carer though? No one is the answer. It is now not just me looking after Chris and my girls, it’s now Chris, my girls and his dad with all his problems. As much as I do feel guilty and selfish I can feel myself running into the ground, I am now having to pack a hospital bag and consider going into hosp, everything feels like it’s been turned upside down.
I am not talking about someone who doesn’t have anyone else, he has siblings, other children, his mum is still alive, but he has put all this onto a very fragile Chris right at one of the most crucial, testing and life changing points in his life and selfishly at the moment I just want to say why are you putting all this on us now. I don’t know what the answer is, I am worried about having the baby, I don’t even know what I can do to change anything or even make myself feel any better. I just wish no one had put me in this position in the first place…
(I am hoping this made sense, I also hope it doesnt sound as bad as I feel over the whole thing)