Through the eyes of a carer for someone with a mental illness

First to blame, last to be heard.


Being a carer I have found something pretty hard going that is you’re the first person blamed and last person listened too.  Health professionals give the opinion most of the time that you are being a pain in the backside, your inconvenient, they know more about your partner/child/parent/friend than you do because you couldn’t possibly understand someone’s illness as much as them because they have paperwork to prove their knowledge. So your just ‘there’ half the time neither the professional or the patient just ‘a person’ yet for most people suffering with illness you’re the person that tries makes their life a little easier by every little thing you do.

I am so easy to blame, half the time only acknowledged when they have something to blame me for like

  • ‘Well why didn’t you have his medication?’
  • ‘Where were you when this happened?’
  • ‘Why didn’t you call us?’
  • ‘Did you lock his medication up?’
  • ‘Why don’t you control the money’
  • ‘If you’re so involved, you come up with his care plan.’

that’s just to name a few. Guess what? I AM ONLY HUMAN! At one point last year I was so upset with being blamed for everything, from all angles, health professionals, Chris family and even Chris himself. It was so easy to blame me when I was one of the few people along with my health visitor and GP that was actually trying to help Chris. It is so draining trying to battle against people who were meant to be helping and instead chucking their failures onto me. Half the time had they of listened to what I was saying we could have prevented most of the things that happened. Since when do they use the saying ‘prevention is better than cure’ though.

This brings me on to the fact they don’t listen, it is all well and good asking me why I didn’t lock his medication up so he can’t overdose or why I was being human and sleeping, when I have told you what feels like fifty million times he can’t keep himself safe, his behaviour is worrying and I cannot keep him safe myself anymore, you chose not to listen and to put up with it so yes he has now overdosed, he isn’t in a good way and I could have told you this would happen!!! I felt like saying on many occasions ‘you may be able to go home tonight and not worry but this is my life, Chris life and our children’s life you are dealing with!’

This all then brings me back to the fact, like I have mentioned before that I actually recorded everything in the end so that if God forbid anything happened to Chris, I knew I had done everything in my power to do everything I could to prevent it because there was no way I was going to feel guilty and blamed for it. What all these people we have come across don’t seem to realise, apart from his Social worker we have gained since, is that if they listened to me they would gain valuable information that would actually really help them when dealing with Chris. I am not there to make their life harder; far from it and my interests are just that of Chris’ no one else.

I would also like to point out that Psychiatrist/CMHT/GP etc all have Chris permission to speak to me etc so the confidential legalities are not the issue here either, and after all it is rare I have spoken to them without Chris being there and asking me too etc anyway. Giving information to them is one thing and asking for information is another.





Author: acarerseyes

I am a mum to four gorgeous girls, and a carer to my former partner of eight years, Chris who has a mental illness, BPD. I blog my experiences.. life is tough! We live in Greater Manchester, UK.

3 thoughts on “First to blame, last to be heard.

  1. I know the feeling of these arse hole profesionals who don’t listen who place the blame everywhere and anywhere accept on them selves at the end of the day their piece of paper means shit, they go home to their happy worlds wives/husbands and friends they couldn’t give a flying shit about the patients they have pumped through in their day much less what is going on for them at home in their lives in fact it makes me sick to the core to say the least. They are supposed to be here to help yet they seem to hinder more than anything, and we are nothing more than a number that they can claim on their medical rebates schemes as they pump us in and out their surgery doors like cattle. My heart goes out to you because like Chris I am the one who has a career full time, and I know I am far from the easiest person to care for especially when I get on my high horse and know what is best for me, (reality is I don’t I’m just pissed off with fighting myself in general) I see my careers frustration as he battles the professionals in trying to tell them explain to them, and get it through to them, yet his voice falls on to deaf ears. He constantly battles with me, my medications, and the dick head doctors who don’t have a damn clue, yet somehow never gives up, he keeps fighting, and I know in my heart of hearts he is tired too, just as tired as I am of fighting myself, he is tired of watching me battle, but what do you do? you keep fighting, and eventually hopefully someone will hear you.

  2. But I bet theres something in policy re listening to “Third Party evidence” …they are lucky to have you support C in such a loving way and lucky that they can rely on you so much. Its like as a complainant ,Policy and every document under the sun is quoted but just because its written down its not dealt with! IMPLEMENTATION is 70% of provision.

    If you complain, all seeem to have happy knack of pushing all back on you I bet eg “I’m sorry you feel like that”!
    FACT: C needs support for his illness and MH services have this remit! Its not your entire responsibility! What you do for C and children is what you want to do for your family ..but MH services should be supporting you not other way around.

    Well done on it all and I hope you have have a lovely weekend . x

  3. Your questions and my suggested responses :
    ‘Well why didn’t you have his medication?’…..Sorry remind me, whose responsibility is this?
    ‘Where were you when this happened?’….looking after my family, please tell me where should I have been
    Why didn’t you call us?’….did you follow up on everything?
    Did you lock his medication up?’….did you ask me too?
    ‘Why don’t you control the money’……Why?
    ‘If you’re so involved, you come up with his care plan.’….Its NOT my job! I am involved and will support as C’s wife but you are the experts!!

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