Well today was another big day really, Chris and I went to hospital for babies anatomy scan to see our growing baby and make sure all was well. I am 23 weeks and babies fine, was wiggling about happily. As with my previous pregnancies baby never plays ball and had it’s head right down low in my pelvis so they were having problems with seeing the brain and babies face, after some gentle manipulation and tipping me onto my side we convinced baby to let us have a peek and all is well. It’s slowly starting to sink in now as well.
It is little things like Chris coming with me to my scan today that mean the most to me. I am sure most people who are in the role of a carer feel the same. We appreciate the little things in life because more often than not we know exactly how big it is for the person we care for to do some of the things others take for granted. I was in counselling earlier today and we were discussing the fact that I hold on to the little things Chris does and I collect them into a box in my head where they are stored as memories, when things get rough or rocky I pull the box out and take a look at all the memories I have gathered in my head from all the years we have been together and I hold onto that. It helps me to remember that we have got through the bad times before and we can again, and when we are in better times I know he will always give me another reason to add to my box of little memories stored in my head. I am going to share with you a few of the memories that are held there like our first Christmas together and we went Ice skating in York outside and it was snowing, Chris had never been before but he was better than me, I was falling all over the place and Zoom, he was off. Also after I gave birth to Emily, my mum stayed with us for a week which was lovely, but I got really upset after she had gone home, Chris didn’t have to ask any questions, he put his arms around me and cuddled me, told me he would always look after us and he didn’t let go, his arms make me feel safe. I also hold onto when the hospital sent me home when I was in labour with Emily because I ‘wasn’t in labour’ I got through the front door of our house and I was pushing, he called labour and delivery who said they would call an ambulance and send a midwife. Ambulance control rang Chris and told him what to do, he did looked scared, but he reassured me and he didn’t leave my side until he had to let the ambulance crew in, even then I wasn’t alone as such as he had passed the phone to me so I was talking to ambulance control. I haven’t forgotten the times he has sent me flowers, bought me chocolates, after what happened last year, explained in the blog ‘Some things can be prevented’ and he ended up in hospital, he organised along with the help of his dad for flowers to be delivered to our address, I was so shocked to receive flowers, a balloon and a teddy. He has sat up with me while I’ve been ill, he has helped me when I have felt down, his thank you’s say more than a thousand words and he doesn’t need to tell me he loves me all the time because he makes it known.
Everyone gets wrapped up in the bad things and boy there have been a lot of those but today something came out of my mouth that is very true, if I wrote a list of good/positive/happy memories and a list of bad/scary/horrific memories my lists would probably be more or less equal. Just because the last couple of years have been awful overall doesn’t mean we haven’t had happier times, it doesn’t mean the year before that wasn’t a lot better and more of the happy memories were made there than now. It’s those I need to hold onto, those I hold in the box and those I need to remember to think of when times are tough. No one would turn around to someone who was caring for someone with Cancer/MS/Arthritis or any other physical condition and say ‘why are you looking after them, I mean what do they give you in return?’ so don’t say that to me just because he has a mental illness, he didn’t ask for it like people with physical conditions don’t ask for it either. It can happen to any of us.