I just thought I would point out that my post titled ‘if you leave, we will call the police’ I am not referring to the times Chris has attended A&E because he has self harmed. I am talking about the times when he has taken over 50 different tablets and isn’t in a very good way either mentally or physically. Of course there has been times he has self harmed and needed medical attention and made the unwise decision to leave and the staff and myself included have been happy to allow him to take that option because there is no reason to say otherwise.
I also want to make it clear that I absolutely HATE being in that position, where for his own safety I do not want him leaving and by no means is it a decision I take lightly. He knows this and when he’s been well we have discussed the fact I would request a Mental health act assessment if I deemed it necessary because not only do I want him to get through the tough times and make it out the other side, so does he. If that means he spends awhile detained in hospital he rather that that loose his life… that is words out of his own mouth.
I have walked out of a psychiatric unit many times having just left him there in bits, I’m not going to lie; I cried all the way home on many occasions. It’s one of the hardest things I have done, to me it felt like I was walking away from him, leaving him alone and scared but I knew I couldn’t do it anymore, I couldn’t keep him safe and they could. In a way I felt a failure, like I had let him down when actually I was doing what was best for him and what he needed to get well again. Doesn’t make doing it any easier though. There is also a huge element of relief as well though that I don’t need to sit up all night and function again normally the next day, I don’t need to be on constant guard of medication, house keys, money etc that someone else was there to help him and allow me the time to recover, get my energy back and sleep properly again. I don’t doubt what I have done because like I have said before and I will say again, the ‘Thank you Sarah for helping me, for never giving up and walking away’ is the biggest thing I could hear, and I cannot put into words how much hearing that means to me.
A well Chris is a Chris that wants to live his life, it’s only when he is very unwell does his brain make him believe he ought to die. I wont let Chris die when I know that isnt what he wants. I really hope this makes sense.