I wanted to explain something that I have heard more than once and that’s the comments ‘you are just forcing Chris to stay alive.’ Actually you will find I am not. Suggesting so suggests you don’t understand mental illness and can be rather insulting. You see Chris doesn’t want to die, you ask him when he’s feeling ok and he will tell you, he doesn’t want his children to not have a father; he doesn’t want his parents to bury their son or me to bury my partner. Why do you think he even takes his medication? To help him get better because he wants to live his life.
It’s heartbreaking to sit there when his brain is telling him he wants to die or he can see images of him hurting himself in his head (intrusive thoughts) and he’s attempting to control them and keep them at bay but he can’t manage and they become over bearing. If someone told you they didn’t want to die wouldn’t you do everything to help them fulfil that? I don’t just mean it’s all up to me either, it often means getting health professionals to help him when he feels unable to contact them himself.
You see when he is well I hear the words ‘thanks for everything you have done for me Sarah, it’s down to you I am still here and I can’t thank you enough for helping me’ So you see its things like this as to why I do what I do. If he wasn’t thankful for what I have done, if I didn’t get anything back in return would I still be here after almost seven years? Not very likely. As much as I have helped Chris through things, he’s helped me; I have become so much more confident than I used to be for a start. Then not to mention the fact that Chris has been there for me through all of my pregnancies and more importantly the birth of all my children, he even ended up helping me deliver our eldest because the ambulance crew and midwives hadn’t arrived until her head was nearly out. When I was frightened that day I thought we lost this baby as posted earlier in the blog under ‘Some things are meant to be’ he only left my side to notify my parents of what was happening, I couldn’t have got through that without him. So thinking he’s all take take take from me and no give is wrong, perhaps it’s a different type of relationship, but everyone’s is, we work as a team, sometimes I do do a lot, but is it a ‘chore’? Far from it, would I rather not? No I just wish he didn’t suffer how he does.