At the beginning of November I got quite a shock when I found out I was pregnant for the fourth time, however with my beliefs there wasn’t an ounce of doubt that this was meant to be and Chris was over the moon. I had issues with spotting and cramping at the beginning and was under the care of the early pregnancy assessment unit where I had a scan at 5weeks where we saw the yolk sac and 7weeks which confirmed the heartbeat and foetus. I was discharged and put back under the care of the normal midwives at antenatal. At the beginning of all my pregnancies I become quite unwell with hypremesis, luckily this time it was managed with anti sickness medication.
At the beginning of December 2011 Chris was really struggling and our GP and his social worker were very worried about him, and while I knew he was unwell I personally didn’t think it warranted an admission to hospital as I’d seen him so much worse, however he ended up on a psychiatric unit the same night. I, in all selfishness was devastated, being unwell and pregnant myself I felt quite venerable but I knew I would have to battle on. I don’t like asking for help, I rather just suffer on alone but the next day I rang my dad who is a retired teacher and asked him if he would kindly come up and help me out with the girls and the situation. Chris was worried about me and asked for leave from hospital which was granted, he came home but I was still worried about him, worried about how I was feeling. Thank goodness I had my dad. Then on the morning of the 8th December 2011 I got up like any other day, left Chris in bed to sleep, sorted and took the girls to school and playgroup with my dad. We came back and I woke Chris up, he came downstairs and I was chatting away to my dad when all of a sudden I felt a huge gush and immediately knew I was bleeding (a lot). I told Chris and went to the bathroom where yes I confirmed I was pouring with blood. After contacting the early pregnancy unit as quickly as possible they told me they couldn’t see me for 4days and I needed to go to A&E, if I needed seeing right away. Leaving my dad with youngest and sorting out how the other two would get home, Chris and I set off to A&E.
Having got there and booking in, we were sat waiting for Triage, I was worried stupid I was going to bleed everywhere and everyone would notice. Before we had left home I remember just sitting crying that there was no way the baby was ok and I could feel my tummy wasn’t right. As we were waiting, Chris’ social worker walked through with another of her clients and immediately thought I was there with Chris, he was very agitated because of worrying about me, I felt so awful I was now putting him through what I thought was likely to be miscarriage. She made sure we were both ok and said she would give Chris a call later that day. I could still feel I was bleeding heavily and hoping the triage would come back and start calling people through again, finally I was called, went in and explained everything to her along with the fact I was feeling more and more dizzy. She took my blood pressure and noted a few things down before saying she would be back in a moment… now normally this doesn’t happen and your put back in the waiting room, I was scared. When she came back she explained that she knew I was worried but I had a high heart rate which was a sign of blood loss and she took me through to a room where a nurse was going to look after me. I sat down on the chair and burst into tears, everything just got a whole lot more real. I’m used to sitting in A&E, I’m used to hospitals and the staff, I’ve done it all enough times with Chris but this time it was me!
The loveliest nurse got me a gown and told me to get changed, she made me feel at ease and I felt very much looked after. For the first time I didn’t need to worry about bleeding and people seeing, I felt I had some dignity (even with paper knicks on haha!). That nurse disappeared and another lovely nurse came in, she made sure I was ok and said a doctor would be in to see me in a moment. Chris went to phone my dad to update him and to be honest I think he just needed the air and to get out of there. The doctor came to see me, I was to be put on a drip and Gynaecology would be called, At this point I said to her, ‘this is my forth baby so I know myself this doesn’t look good at all’ at this point the nurse came back and started setting up the drip, I was frightened, I just kept looking at the ceiling, what was happening to me?
Two doctors from Gynae came down pretty quickly, they examined me, cervix closed, great, tummy felt like a 11week pregnancy, great. It was decided to scan me to see what was going on, well they would have, had they been able to get, the in their words ‘a basic scanner’ from A&E to work. I was taken up to gynae and scanned, too my amazement and by complete miracle my precious little baby was kicking and wiggling about with a strong heartbeat. The reason I bled wasn’t found, it was put down to a ‘threatened miscarriage’ and I needed to rest. I asked if I could go home, they weren’t keen but they made sure I wouldn’t be left alone and people would look after me. My cannula was taken out and a very delicate me made my way home with Chris by my side.
I don’t know what caused me to bleed, could have been so many things, was awful to see Chris blaming himself, it wasn’t anyone’s fault. He still hasn’t got rid of the guilt no matter how much I say it wasn’t because of him, although I look after him day in day out, I couldn’t have done that without him, having him there was all I needed to get me through. He still doesn’t realise what he did for me that day, sometimes it seems your doing nothing but to me he was doing everything.
I’m almost 19weeks pregnant now, while Chris is worried, this little person was meant to be.